5 Things I Should Have Learned By Now But Haven’t

1. Don’t put lotion on before trying to open something. I don’t know why, but I can never remember this simple rule. And then I have to fumble awkwardly with my mascara or whatever.

2. Sleep at night and be awake during the day. Again, this should be simple right? Well, right now my body wakes up around 4am and konks out at 8pm. A week ago I was falling asleep at like 6am and sleeping until 4pm. Luckily (?) I’m not missing any work or important appointments or anything, but it has kind of killed my sense of time. I never have any idea what day it is, and since I don’t have cable and just watch all my shows online at the end of the week, I really have nothing to measure my time by. So on the rare occasion I have to actually be somewhere at a certain time, I struggle.

3. Spelling ‘occasion’.

4. How to parallel park. Believe it or not, when I was in Driver’s Ed at the ripe age of 14 in Kansas, I was not taught how to parallel park. We just drove on the highway and ran errands to places my driving instructor needed to go. So now I’m stuck driving around forever looking either for a normal parking spot or a whole street with enough room for me to park somewhere within 5 feet of the curb. Or I make someone else drive.

5. Use the GPS before you get lost. I don’t know why, but I do this every time – insist that I can find the place by myself based on a quick search on google maps before leaving the house. Then I get somewhere in the vicinity of my destination and get hopelessly lost. Then I remember that I do in fact own a GPS and it’s in my glove box and oh look at that I was only a block away. And now I’m 15 minutes late. Win some, lose some.

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